Would it surprise you that I own quite a few panties? Truth be told, I have an obscene amount of panties and bras, corsets, garters, teddies, babydolls, fishnets and sexy bedroom shoes. Lingerie is irresistible to me. It all started quite innocently at Victoria’s Secret (I affectionately call Vicky’s) and then I found Fredericks of Hollywood, Cosabella and La Perla. Before I knew it, my problem was uncontrollable and I started tossing clothes out of my drawers to make rooms for…my new lacy drawers.
My girlfriend says my bedroom looks like a French whorehouse from the 1950’s. In my cozy little brothel for one is an entire chest of 5 drawers filled exclusively with panties that are separated by g-string, thong, bikini, boyshorts and ruffle. I also have an armoire with my “collectible” lingerie that only makes an appearance for special occasions. I have a lucky pair of panties that I now only wear when it’s a dire emergency. While donning these auspicious knickers, I got out of a speeding ticket without uttering a word and won $2000 in Vegas. I have candy apple red pumps that say, “seduce me” on the bottom. All that is on my list for Santa every year is lingerie. I even belong to a “Panty x-change” with a group of cute girlfriends (hmmm…enablers?) in which we gift each other with panties (this is our 5th year!) I possess a palace of lingerie! But I justified this compulsion with the rational that I am a burlesque dancer and teacher. It’s all quite sensible; these are my tools of my trade. Really.
What happened next simultaneously fulfilled my grandest dreams and brought me to my knees with despair. I discovered the luxury lingerie shops Agent Provocateur and Kiki de Montparnasse. Their scrumptious, delectable and completely divine unmentionables raised the bar so far out of reach even with 6-inch stiletto heels. I simply couldn’t live without their cashmere panties! Whatever was to become of me? Doomed to be homeless in $800 knickers and $450 pasties? Perhaps it was about this time that I realized that I had a problem, but not one that I was willing to give up. I had to get my fix. Shoplifting was out of the question and hustling a sugar daddy for panties would spoil any goodness they possessed.
I began teaching “salons” at the Kiki store on Melrose in Los Angeles in exchange for these posh panties. These gatherings were inspired by the original Kiki, who flourished in and helped define the liberated culture of Paris in the 1920’s (and was the muse to the artist Man Ray). She would invite all her artist friends to come together and they would learn, be entertained, drink, philosophize and create. And then one night, during a salon, someone asked me, “How many panties do you have?” “One of every flavor,” I quipped back, but this question lingered with me. I had no idea. How would I even count them? Not all panties are created equal!
They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem and then taking a personal inventory. The following is the result of what happens to a woman who lets her panty addiction go out of control: (Note: this list does not include burlesque costumes, Halloween costumes, Mardi Gras costumes, et al. In other words: nothing that is worn out of the bedroom without something on top of it!)
Sheer “Mac” Raincoat: 1
French Maid outfits: 2
Sexy bedroom shoes: 15
Bra & Panty sets: 78
Ruffle Panties: 37
Garters & Garterbelts: 17
Vintage Naughty Board Game to remove lingerie: 1 “Strip Tac Toe”
What do you think? Do I have a problem or a valuable collection?
Sat, November 28, 2009
by Ms. Dolphina